American Ed
by KittyKatBella
Summary: In this parody of the original show 'American Dad' most of the characters are replaced with characters from my FanFic 'EEnE Grown Up'
1. Pilot

It's morning in the McGee household. Thirteen year old Chris is humming as he eats his eggs and bacon for breakfast. His sister, seventeen year old Izzy, is sitting next to him, doing some work. Both kids are part cat, having cat ears and tails, because their mother, Bella, is half cat.

"Shut up, Chris!" Izzy snapped at her brother, irritated, "I have a term paper due!"

"Oh, right, community college!" Her brother mocked, "Oh yeah, big girl! Good girl! Hey, I wonder if that diploma will help you get a better section when you're a waiter at Olive Garden." He laughed.

"I wonder if you'll hit puberty before you turn fourteen," Izzy mocked back.

"Why? You wanna do me?" Chris asked jokingly, "You're sick!" Bella put her hand on Chris's shoulder.

"Chris, be nice to your sister," Bella scolded, "And Izzy, Chris's big boy hair won't come in any faster even _with_ you taunting him." The fish on the counter, Klaus, spoke.

"Oh, Bella," He said, "I love how you rule with an iron fist. Or claw, in your case." Bella set the plate of eggs and bacon she was holding on the table, "You know, perhaps when you are finished there, you could stick your naughty pinkie finger into _mein_ bowl and let me feel you."

"Yeah! No," Bella said.

"You're right," Klaus said, "When the kids are gone." A white cat, Felice, was stalking the fish bowl on the counter.

"Felice, how many times do I have to tell you?" Bella said, "You're not allowed to eat Klaus."

"No, Roger, you cannot borrow the car!" Eddy came in and folded his arms. A grey alien, Roger, was following him.

"K'now, I'd think you'd be a little more grateful to the guy who saved your life."

"Look, if my superiors at the CIA found out that you were living with us, they'd erase all of our memories. You've seen _Memento_? It's better the first time. The point is, you aren't allowed to leave this house!"

"For God's sake, Eddy, I just want to pick up a pack of smokes," Roger said, sitting down.

"I never approve of smoking," Bella said to herself.

"Have you been able to call your home planet yet?" Eddy sighed.

"Oh, I was gonna do it yesterday, but I forgot," Roger said, "VH1 was running this 'I love the 80's' marathon. Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf? I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to take him seriously now. Oh hey, Bella, did you get the Pecan Sandies I wanted?"

" _Scusate,_ Roger," Bella apoligiezed, "I went to the store yesterday, but I forgot. I knew I should have made a list." Roger inhaled through his teeth.

"Pretty sure I asked for Pecan Sandies," He said.

"I'll go get some later," Bella said, placing a bowl in front of Roger.

"Bella, be very careful out there today," Eddy warned, "We're at Terror Alert Orange." He turned a little arrow on a color board on the fridge, "Which means something might happen somewhere, in some way, at some time, so look sharp!"

"Y'know, Dad, it's awesome that you are your CIA friends have made up a fun little system to keep the masses paralized in fear.

"You like shaving your armpits, Izzy? Huh?" Eddy asked, "'Cuz if the terrorists take over the country, that's the first thing to go!" The toaster on the counter popped out toast and Eddy pulled out a gun and started shooting it, making the others cover their cat ears.

"It's just toast, Dad," Izzy said as she and the others looked in shock. Felice had raced into the other room, yowling.

"This time it was toast, Izzy," Eddy said, turning around, "This time." He put the gun back in his suit and sat down.

"It's alright, I'll have this one," Bella said, picking up the toast and putting it on her plate, "I don't know how I'm gonna put the butter and cinnamon on it, though…."

"Hey, Chris," Eddy laughed, "How you doing with that girl on the lacross team I picked for ya?"

"Actually, Dad, I've decided to go for the brass ring," Chris said, "Today I'm asking out Nicole Dorn, head cheerleader and future Mrs. Chris McGee. Yeah, I like the sound of that. 'Chris McGee."

"That's my boy," Eddy ruffled Chris's hair, "You hear that, Bella? Hey, tell how many girls I dated in high school."

"I was your first girlfriend," Bella said.

"Oh that's right," Eddy said, "But lots of girls wanted to."

"Chris, I sure hope she says yes," Bella said, "I think that's Nazz's daughter, right?"

"Yes that's right," Eddy said before turning to Chris, "Don't worry, she won't turn you down. You're a McGee, and a McGee always gets his girl." Eddy put his arm around Bella and started to kiss her. She giggled.

"Resist him, Bella!" Klaus cried, "Resist him! You and I are meant to be!" Eddy sprinkled some fish food over the bowl and Klaus gasped, "Happy hour!" He started gulping down the flakes of food.

"Chris, isn't Nicole, like, way above you?" Izzy asked.

"Well, now, Izzy, don't bury him before he's dead," Roger said, pointing at Izzy with his spoon, "I think you have a shot, Chris, as long as you don't wear that 'Shazam' shirt." Roger yelled in pain as the chair beneath him collasped. Felice stood on the table, looking down at him, "Oh, don't everybody help at once!"

"Roger, are you alright?" Bella asked, concered, "When did you last weigh yourself?"

"Oh, oh, ow, Bella. Ow," Roger said, standing up, "We can't all be like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies." Roger took a donut from the box.

"Sorry, Roger, but you're going on a diet," Bella said, taking the box of donuts, "Starting today, no more junk food." Roger stared in shock.

"What? No. No, not my Frankenberries!" Roger begged, crawling on the table, causing Felice to jump off, "Oh, Bella, please be reasonable!" Roger cried out again as the table broke, sending half the food onto his back and Felice into the other room, "Oh, God, I've got a bear claw in my ass."

* * *

At the CIA, where Eddy worked.

"Ok, that's two million halogen lamps, and 500'00 coffee tables," Eddy was on the phone at his desk, writing stuff done, "Thanks." He hung up the phone.

"Hey, Eddy, what was all that about?" Edd, or Double D, walked over with a cup of coffee.

"Oh, we just signed a contract with IKEA to give furnish Iraq," Eddy explained, "Basically the whole country will look like Ed's first apartment before it got messy."

" _I like this," A man said, sitting on a couch with his wife, "It fits with our hip, 20-something life style." He looked over at his wife, who was wearing a robe, "Oh, for Allah's sake, put some clothes on!" The woman quickly pulled a bit of fabric over her eyes, "Now how about a beer?" The woman stood up, but because she couldn't see, tripped over the coffee table in front of the couch and fell out the window._

"Hey, sockhead, check out what I bought online," Eddy said, pulling something out of his desk, "It's a pencil, and the eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper." Eddy laughed, "Best forty bucks I ever spent!"

"Wow, you seem happy, Eddy," Edd said.

"You bet I am!" Eddy said, "My kid's asking out Nicole Dorn."

"Chris?" Edd asked, "Asking out Nazz's daughter?"

"You betcha," Eddy said, "I'll tell ya, he's just like me." He spotted someone walking past and ran over, jumping over his desk, "Hey, Marcus, check it! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!" Eddy laughed again and popped his head back over by Edd, "He thought it was funny, too."

* * *

At Peach Creek High School.

There was a big sign in the cafeteria that read 'STUDENT BODY ELECTIONS NEXT WEEK!' Nicole was reading a book at a table. She was wearing her cheerleading outfit.

"There she is," Chris said. He was sitting with his friends: Nick, Ed's son, Martin, Edd's son, who was Chris's cousin, and Toshi, a Japanese boy, "Guys, if you'll excuse me, I have a fully developed woman to conquer." Chris stood up and it was revealed that he was wearing a yellow shirt with a lightning bolt under his red shirt.

"Nicole Dorn?" Martin asked, "Chris, no offence, but you're insane."

"Thank you, Martin," Chris said, putting his hand in Martin's face.

" _Foolish round-eye,"_ Toshi spoke in Japanese, " _Your failure will blossom like a thousand cherry trees."_

"It _is_ a beautiful day for romance, Toshi," Chris said, pointing at Toshi, "Thank you." He pulled off his red shirt to show his 'Shazam' shirt.

"Chris! Chris! Chris!" The other three boys cheered.

"You're cool with chicks. You're cool with chicks," Chris said to himself. He walked over and pulled the back of Nicole's shirt, making it snap against her back.

"Ow!" She cried, turning to glare at Chris.

"Hello, Nicole," Chris smiled, "Did that hurt so good? It's Chris. Chris McGee. Remember me? Ah, it'll come to you. Hey, wanna do something Friday night?" A guy walked over, but Nicole held him back.

"It's ok, babe, I can handle this," Nicole said.

"Yeah, babe," Chris smirked, looking up at the guy. He was surprised when Nicole punched him in the face, sending him to the floor.

* * *

Steve was now walking home after school.

"How could she just reject me?" He asked himself, "Like I was a...a nobody?" He looked across the street to see a man walking his dog. A woman walked over to him.

"Hey, I love your dog," She said.

"Thanks," The man said, "Hey, wanna come back to my apartment and pet my shnauzer?"

"Ok," The woman said.

"And then we can play with this dog," The man said as the walked off.

"Wait a minute, that's it!" Chris realized, "All I need is a dog, and babes will be all over me!" Chris ran straight home.

* * *

At the McGee household.

Eddy and Bella were watching the news on the couch.

"In other news, the White House was shocked today when President Bush received a phone call from God himself," The news man said before showing a clip.

 _"Hey, George, it's, um, God," One half showed God sitting in a gold throne in the clouds, the other showed Bush sitting in his office._

 _"Wow!" Bush said, "Hey, how are you?"_

 _"Good," God said, "I'm, um, I'm doing good, swell. Hey, listen, um, big favor: Do you think you could, um, y'know, try to downplay our relationship a little more when you address the public?"_

 _"What do you mean?" Bush asked._

 _"I-I mean, let me think of an example," God said, "When you say stuff like 'God...God wanted me to be president.' Y'know, that would be something you just, maybe, kept to yourself, ok? Just try to distance yourself from me a bit more?"_

 _"Uh, sure," Bush scratched his head, "If you want."_

 _"Great, awesome, thanks," God said when his phone beep, "Oh, that's Chaney. Gotta get this." He pressed a button and said, "Yes sir."_

"And on Wall Street today," The news man said, "The dow was down again."

Just then, Izzy entered the door, making a detector set up start to beep and set off a red light above the door. Eddy jumped on her, pinning her to the ground and making her drop her book.

"Ow! Dad, get off!" Izzy yelled, "I have to study!"

"You know the drill, Izzy," Eddy said, searching her.

"Why don't you ever search Chris?" Izzy asked. Eddy pulled out a metal detector and ran it down Izzy.

"Now, honey, I love you both," Eddy said, "But Chris is not a left-wing liberal who I tried to raise properly, but somehow…" He found something and held it up, "What's this?"

"It's a pack of gum," Izzy answered coldly. Eddy ran outside and threw the gum far and crouched down, covering his head, as if expecting it to explode. After no explosion, he looked up.

"Ok, it's gum," He said. He stood up as Chris walked past into the house, "Hey, champ! When's the date?"

"Um, s-she was sick today," Chris lied.

"Oh, that's fine, you'll get her tomorrow," Eddy said, leading Chris inside.

"Hey listen, Mom, Dad?" Chris asked, looking at his parents, "Can I get a dog?"

"Absolutly not!" Eddy and Bella said at the same time. Bella crossed her arms.

"I ain't having no damn dog," She grumbled.

"It's enough that we've got an alien and a goldfish with the brain of a German guy," Eddy said, "Besides, you're part cat!" Klaus scooted over in a small cup with water in it.

"Oh, Bella," Klaus said, looking up Bella's dress, "I can see your _shmootzplatzen."_

Bella sighed and picked the bowl up.

"Sorry, Chris, no dog," Eddy said, "I'd be more than happy to buy you your own non-talking goldfish like Bella has."

"I have eight," Bella said, "But if you can find a dog that can't chase Felice and can't scare me, I'd be fine with it, I guess. And it might teach Chris the responsibility he'll need if he one day joins the army." She winked at Chris.

"Are you really gonna get a military job?" Eddy asked, pointing at Chris.

"I might," Chris said, smiling.

* * *

Eddy screeched to a halt in the driveway and ran inside.

"Hey, hey, hey," He said, opening the door, "Did someone order a brand-new dog?"

"Awesome Dad! You're the best-" Chris stopped when he saw the 'dog' and recoiled, "The hell is that?" Bella and Roger, who was reading a newspaper, looked in shock.

"It's a dog," Eddy said. The 'dog' was old and shaky, with bits of fur missing in several places. The dog shook slightly.

"Oh my God," Roger said.

"He can barely stand!" Chris said.

"No duh- he's nineteen!" Eddy said.

"Well, at least I know he can't chase Felice or terrorize me," Bella said, looking at the dog.

"You couldn't have gotten me a puppy?!" Chris asked.

"Chris, this dog has character. All right?" Eddy said, kneeling down next to the dog, who fell down, Eddy picked him back up, "He was here for the Reagan Administration. He knows how things should be.

"Eh," Chris said. The dog lifted its back leg.

"Oh, damn it, he's gonna pee!" Eddy groaned, "No no no!" A squeak was heard and dust came out, "Ok, it's just dust."

* * *

Chris was dragging the dog along the sidewalk behind him, looking sad. A car drove by.

"Hey dumb-ass, your dog's half dead!" A girl laughed.

"You hear that, boy?" Chris turned to the heap of fur behind him, "That girl talked to me, and I didn't even talk to her first! C'mon, Thor, let's go cruise the mall!" Chris ran off, dragging 'Thor' behind him.

* * *

At the McGee household.

"Bella, you are one lucky lady," Eddy said, flexing in front of the mirror in their room with only his underwear on, "You can do anything you want to this body because you married it."

"Uh-huh," Bella said, not paying attention as she read her book.

"I hope you're not taking all this for granted," Eddy said.

Downstairs, Roger was rooting through the cupboards.

"No potato chips, no cupcakes," Roger groaned, "Damn it, Bella. I'm going to hock a loogie in your Oil of Olay." Roger accidently bumped a bottle, sending it crashing to the floor.

Upstairs, Eddy jumped over the bed and pulled out a gun.

"Where's your machete?" Eddy asked.

"Honey, calm down," Bella said, looking up from her book.

"If I die you must protect the clan!" Eddy yelled. Bella pulled a machete out from under the bed.

"I still don't see why I couldn't just use my claws," Bella mumbled. Eddy walked quietly downstairs.

"Osama, is that you?" Eddy spoke. He heard a noise and started shooting at the floor. Roger walked in with a banana and turned on the light switch.

"Jeez, Eddy, what's with you?" Roger asked before spotting the dog, "Holy Toledo, you shot your son's dog. And don't ask me to make him come back with that E.T finger thing, because that's a huge load of crap."

* * *

The next morning the whole family was out back, standing in front of 'Thor's' grave. Chris was kneeling in front of the pile of dirt.

"God, please watch over the soul of this dead dog and carry him up to Heaven," Eddy said, "Because he sure as hell can't walk- he's dead. Amen."

"That was _bello,_ honey," Bella smiled. She was holding the small bowl with Klaus in it.

"I used to have a dog," Klaus sighed, "And legs. And arms! I was an Olympic skier before the CIA switched _mein_ brain with _un_ goldfish!"

"Well, what else were we supposed to do, just let East Germany win the gold medal?" Eddy asked, "Not on my watch."

 _A sign that said '1986 WINTER GAMES' hung above a man atop a high ski mountain. The man sounded like a fish as he slid down the mountain and fell to the ground after flying through the air. He flopped towards a hole in the ice and swan in the water._

"You know, Chris's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunatics would agree to gun control," Izzy said, turning to her dad.

"Y'know what I have to say to that?" Eddy asked. He looked as if he was about to fart, but did nothing, "Ah, I wanted to fart." Izzy walked off.

"This sucks," Chris said from the ground, "Now I'll never get a babe." He stood up.

"Wait, is that why you wanted a dog?" Eddy asked.

"Yes sir," Chris said, ashamed.

"Shoulda figured, you are a cat," Eddy said to himself, "Son, you don't need a dog when your old dad is the greatest ladies' man in history! C'mon on!" Eddy pulled Chris along by his arm.

* * *

At the Peach Creek Shopping Mall.

"Now, Chris, girls love guys that can protect them," Eddy said, "Now, I'm gonna act like I'm a thief and snatch her purse." He pointed at a girl nearby chatting with her friend, "Then you'll chase after me, tackle me, and win her heart. Got it?"

"Got it, Dad!" Chris smiled. Eddy pulled a black mask out of his suit and put it on.

"OMG, my mom almost caught me throwing up last night, and she, like-" The blond girl was cut off by Eddy stealing her purse, "Hey, my purse!"

"Don't worry, young lady," Chris put his hand on her shoulder, "Hey, get back here!" He yelled at his dad and began to run after him.

Eddy was pushing people out of the way as he sprinted quickly through the mall. Chris ran after him, going kinda slowly but still fast. Eddy pushed his way up the down elevator and Chris sped up, quickly losing his breath. Eddy jumped over the glass edge of that floor and gripped the pole in the middle, spinning around the bottom floor. Finally, he jumped through the window and ran out of the parking lot, Chris staring after him in shock.

* * *

They were now driving home, Eddy with pieces of glass in Eddy's face. Chris sat angrily in the passenger seat, holding the purse under his arm.

"Ok, I got a little carried away back there," Eddy admitted.

* * *

At the McGee household at night.

Izzy was in her room, sitting on her beanbag chair and typing on her laptop. She reached up to the stand beside her, taking a twinkie and unwrapping it as Roger walked past her open door. He popped his head back into the room.

Izzy was about to take a bite of the twinkie when she heard a knock on her window behind her. She stood up and turned around, opening the window to see her boyfriend, Jeff, who was standing on a ladder.

"Hey, Jeff," Izzy smiled.

"Hey, babe," Jeff smiled back, "Some guy at the restaurant sent his meatloaf back because there was a hair in it, but it's fine cuz it's mine! Park picnic?"

"I'd like to, but I have a paper due," Izzy groaned.

"Bummer," Jeff said, "Well, you know what Shakespeare said. I don't, but you probably do. Bye!" He walked back down the ladder.

"Hanging with Jeff sounds fun," Roger said, now standing next to the beanbag chair.

"Yeah, but I have to turn this in tomorrow," Izzy sighed, opening her laptop.

"Listen, Isabella," Roger said, closing Izzy's laptop, "Obviously, I can't leave the house, but if you supply me with Twinkies, Ho-Hos, y'know, and of your basic white trash foodstuffs that your freakin' mother won't give me, I'll write your paper for you."

"First, don't call me Isabella," Izzy said, "Izzy isn't short for Isabella, it's just Izzy. Second, what do you know about _Crime and Punishment?"_

"Well, besides the fact that the suffering of man is both necessary and useful, which is revealed to us during Raskolnikov's redemption, nothing," Roger smiled.

"You got yourself a deal," Izzy said, shaking Roger's hand. As Roger reached out his arm, a green ooze shot out from his sides, squirting onto Izzy, "EEWW!"

"S-sorry about that," Roger laughed uncomfortably, "Like clockwork, once every seven hours."

Izzy walked downstairs to see a table set up with Chris and a blond woman sitting at. Eddy was standing behind the woman, holding a gun at his side.

"Oh my God!" Izzy said, turning to Eddy, "Dad, why is Hilary Duff here?"

"Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Chris," Eddy said.

"Hilary, could you pass the salt?" Chris asked.

"Pass him the salt," Eddy said, putting the gun to Hilary's head. She quickly passed Chris the salt.

"So, like I was saying," Chris continued as he put salt on his food, "Student body elections are next week, and I have been personally wedgied by both candidates."

"Woah, here that, Hilary?" Eddy asked, "Chris is a winner, which means you are, too."

"HELP ME!" Hilary yelled, running out the door. Eddy ran to the door, but Izzy stopped him.

"Dad, you can't abduct people just cuz you're in the CIA!" Izzy said.

"Hilary, watch out for the mines!" Eddy yelled before a loud boom and a yell sounded, "What did I say?" He turned to Chris, "You have good hearing, what'd I say?"

"You said 'Watch out for the mines'," Chris repeated.

"I said 'Watch out for the mine'," Eddy said again, looking back outside. Felice came running downstairs wearing a helmet and meowing.

"No, Felice, dogs aren't taking over the world," Izzy sighed.

* * *

Later that night.

Eddy is sitting in the kitchen and Roger is standing behind him eating a Twinkie.

"I just don't get it," Eddy sighed, "I didn't have this problem getting girls when I was his age."

"Little observation, Eddy?" Roger said, setting his hand on Eddy's arms, "Chris isn't like you. You're big and powerful. Girls like power, and Chris doesn't really have any."

"That's it!" Eddy brightened, "If Chris needs power, I'll rig the school election and he'll be student body president!"

"Woah, you can do that?" Roger asked, impressed.

"Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger," Eddy said, "Wanna know how many votes George Bush really got in the first election? Seven."

* * *

At Peach Creek High School.

Eddy and Chris were standing in the hall nearby a candidate stand and in front of a bunch of posters.

"All right, Chris, to key to fixing any election is to cast doubt of your opponent," Eddy said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. There were a lot of people standing over by the other stand.

"Vote Shelly Maxwell for student body president!" The girl at the stand called, "Shelly for president!"

"Sure, you can vote for Shelly Maxwell," Eddy said, walking over with Chris, "If you wanna vote for a prostitute!" Eddy pointing at the girl.

"What?!" The girl yelled, surprised.

"Don't play coy, you cardigan jezebel!" Eddy said, "I have photographic evidence of you having sexual relations with the Jack-in-the-Box man!" Eddy pulled out a picture and showed it to the girl. The picture was of the Jack-in-the-Box man in bed with another woman with the girl's face taped over it. The crowd started murmering.

"Ew!" One guy said.

"The Jack-in-the-Box man?" Another said.

"That's sick!" Another boy cried.

"He's not even human!" The second guy yelled.

"Dad, is that really the Jack-in-the-Box man?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, if you wanna meet him he's in our basement," Eddy said.

 _Roger opened the basement door to go downstairs and saw a naked Jack-in-the-Box man with his hands tied behind his back. The Jack-in-the-Box man started to scream, causing Roger to scream and slam the door shut behind him as he ran out._

* * *

In the school newspaper is a picture of Chris with a thumbs up and a caption saying 'Chris McGee Wins Election In Landslide!'

* * *

At the McGee household.

Roger and Izzy are sitting on the couch in the living room. Roger had a glass of wine.

"Y'know, I got an 'A' on that paper," Izzy informed the alien.

"My pleasure," Roger smiled, "Have anything else?"

"I've got a poli-sci paper," Izzy said, "Know anything 'bout Henry Kissinger?"

"I know he's Jewish, but for some churros, I can maybe stretch that into about 12 pages," Roger said.

* * *

At Peach Creek High School.

There was a sign in the hallway that read 'CONGRATULATIONS CHRIS McGEE! STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT!' Chris was walking in and his friends were waiting for him and clapping. Chris nodded and turned to his locker.

"Hey, Chris, congrats," Nicole walked over as Chris and taking some books out of his locker.

"Why, thank you, Nicole," Chris said, closing his locker, "Say, uh, I-I was wondering, um, if maybe you and I could…"

"Go out?" Nicole finished for him, "Rad. Love to."

"Yes!" Chris cried, "Oh my god! Score, score, score, score!" A little thought bubble appeared in a cloud shape besides Chris's head. In it was Eddy.

"Girls love a man with power," Eddy said.

"You were right, Dad!" Chris said. Another thought bubble appeared, this one holding Roger.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt, Eddy," Roger said, "I wanted to take a shower, but we're all out of Prell. Can you get some while you're out?"

"Yeah, yeah," Eddy said.

"Thanks," Roger said before turning to Chris, "Oh, hey, Chris, kudos on the biatch." Both bubbles disappeared. Two boys walked out of the bathroom nearby.

"Man, your stream is so powerful!" One was saying.

"Thanks!" The other said.

"I wish your locker wasn't next to the boy's room," Nicole said, her arms crossed.

"Yeah, me too," Chris agreed, "Then again, I _am_ student body president…"

* * *

Chris kicked the principle's door open. The principle, who was sitting at his desk, stood up.

"McGee, what is the meaning of this?" The principle asked angrily.

"Principle Lewis, I'm taking your office," Chris said, walking up to the desk, "According to Peach Creek High Statue 39-F:," Nicole handed Chris a large book and he flipped to a page, "Quote 'The student body president may acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business.'" Chris set the book down and looked at Lewis, who looked irritated for a second, then look up in joy.

"You can read! The system works!" He said. He looked sad again, "I'll be back for my stuff." He left.

"You're radical, Chris," Nicole said, "I'm gonna tell everyone that we're going out!" Nicole walked out the door, closing it behind her.

"This is it," Chris said after looking around for a second, "I have complete power." He turned to the microphone on the desk, "Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot?" A peach cobbler walked in the door. He had 'PC' on his chest, "Welcome, cobbler. As you must have heard, I'm now student body president. Meaning, I can do anything I want, and I want...to eat the cobbler!" Chris jumped on the cobbler and began pretending to eat it. The cobbler yelled and ran around the office, breaking lots of stuff in the process, "Woo-hoo! Yes! I'm eating the cobbler!" Finally the cobbler fell down and Chris got off as a woman entered the office, surprised, "Now send in the lunch lady."

* * *

The next day at Peach Creek High School.

Chris and Nicole were sitting at a table, alone. Another boy was standing up by the table.

"The lady's steak is not nearly Salisbury enough!" Chris said, "Take it back!" The boy picked up the plate and walked off.

"Chris, you are, like, the best boyfriend I've ever had," Nicole said.

"My dear, I'm just getting started," Chris smiled, "Bobby, get over here!" Another boy walked over, "I want my Shazam shirt dry-cleaned and pressed by third period. On, and one more thing, all periods will now be called 'Chris's.'"

 _A boy in class leaned across the aisl to his friend._

" _Hey, I might be skipping third Chris," He said, "You in?"_

" _Sure, but I have to be back by fourth Chris," The other guy said._

" _So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Chris," The teacher said._

" _Mr. Philips, may I be excused?" I girl in front asked, raising her hand, "I'm having my Chris."_

* * *

That night at the McGee household.

Roger was in the attic, sitting in front of a computer and snacking on different candies and desserts.

"Oh, Izzy, you are the best," Roger moaned as he ate a treat, "Mm, what else we got?" He pulled out a chocolate bar, "Ooh, Chocodiles. I haven't tried those." He took a bite, "Oh, oh-ho-ho!" He ate the rest, "Oh my God, how good are these? Oh, mm, mm, mm, dangerous, mm."

"How's my paper coming, Roger?" Izzy walked up, "I mean, it _is_ due in the morning."

"I got it, Izzy," Roger said, reaching into the bag, "Do not worry."

"Ok," Izzy said. She was about to walk away when Roger stopped her.

"By the way, Izzy, oh my God," Roger said, "These Chocodiles? These Chocodiles, Izzy, oh my God. These Chocodiles. Oh my God."

"Um, yeah, they're good," Izzy said, walking back downstairs, "Back to work."

"I got it," Roger said, reaching back into the bag.

* * *

At 6:15 am, Roge was out cold and candy wrappers littered the desk. All Roger had written was 'Kissinger: More Than A Jew' Roger's head was set on the desk next to the computer, and there was a chocolate stain around his mouth. Roger woke up and gasped, grabbing the alarm clock.

"Oh, no," Roger said, panicked, "Izzy!" He tossed the clock aside, causing it to smash and ran downstairs. He ran into Izzy's room and started shaking the girl awake, "Izzy, Izzy, wake up! I fell asleep." Izzy opened her eyes and rolled over to face Roger, "I had a sugar crash, and I fell asleep, and I didn't do the paper!"

"What?!" Izzy cried, sitting up quickly, "It's due in two hours!"

"I know, I know, I'm a douche bag!" Roger said, running around and flailing his hands, "But the important thing now is to find a way to buy me more ti-" Roger stopped mid-sentence as he looked out the window into the yard, "Holy _frijole,_ I got an idea."

* * *

Izzy was at school with her teacher.

"Well, under the circumstances, I think we can give you a few more days for your paper," The teacher said.

"Thank you, Mr. Goodwin," Izzy said. She was holding the dead dog and crying, not from sadness, but from the stench coming from the body.

* * *

Chris was walking through the halls, where the lockers were now made of chocolate. A boy took a bite out of his.

"Wow, these chocolate lockers were an awesome idea!" He said.

"Mine has nut clusters!" Another boy said, "Thanks, Chris!"

"No problem," Chris said, "I am a river to my people. And I hope you're all enjoying the computer lab now that I've disabled the porn blocker."

"Yeah, I never knew Todd's mom had a website," A kid said.

"Pretty sexy, huh, guys?" The second kid asked.

"Sure is, Todd," Chris agreed. He walked over to Nicole, "Oh, hello, gorgeous." Chris went to kiss her, but she backed away.

"Ew, what are you doing?" Nicole asked.

"What?" Chris asked, "I'm-I'm kissing my woman."

"Chris, I, like, like the perks of dating the school president, but I'm not kissing you," Nicole said, "I mean, I'm beautiful, and, no offence, but you're...weird. Sorry, dude."

"But-but I thought you liked me," Chris said, heartbroken.

"That's the point," Nicole said, walking away. Chris sadly looked around and saw a couple kissing. He became angry and stomped into the office and spoke into the microphone.

"Attention!" He yelled, "There's a new school policy! Anyone caught holding hands, hugging, or swapping saliva, will be expelled from school _permanently!"_

The couple kissing quickly stopped and turned away from each other. Another couple sitting on a bench holding hands scooted away from each other. A teacher was in the science lab with a frog. He was buttoning up his jacket.

"It's too risky now," The teacher said, "I'll be back tonight."

* * *

At the CIA.

Eddy's phone rang and he answered.

"This is Eddy McGee," He said.

"Mr. McGee," The principle answered, "I'm afraid there's a problem with your son."

"Oh God, he's gay," Eddy panicked, "This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years." Eddy took a bottle of pills out and started swallowing them.

"Uh, no," The principle said, "It's just that he's gone mad with power." Eddy stopped swallowing the pills, "He evacuated the entire building and barricaded himself in my office."

"I see," Eddy said as foam appeared in his mouth, "Henry, antidote!"

* * *

At the McGee household.

Izzy was on the couch, reading a magazine. Roger walked up to her.

"So, how'd the dead dog work out?" Roger asked, "Did we get more time?"

"Yeah, I got till Monday," Izzy said.

"Oh, awesome," Roger said, taking out a pad of paper, "Here's my list."

"Sorry, Roger," Izzy said, "That was too close a call. I'm gonna do my own work."

"Wha…?" Roger was surprised, "B-but I…Well, where am I gonna get my fix?"

"Not my problem," Izzy said, standing up and walking off.

"You can't do it by yourself, Izzy," Roger started to panic slightly, "You don't have the skills! You're not smart enough!" Green ooze shot out from under Roger's arms. Roger looked at it, "Someone'll clean that up." He walked away.

* * *

At Peach Creek High School.

A huge crowd was outside with a truck and a few police cars.

"Chris, this is your father!" Eddy called in with a megaphone. Bella was standing next to him, worried, holding Felice in her arms.

"Get outta here, Dad!" Chris yelled into the microphone, "I'm not coming out!"

"All right, I'm going in," Eddy said, handing the megaphone to Bella, "Bella, keep talking to him."

"Be careful, honey," Bella said.

"Hey, don't worry about me, kiddo," Eddy said, going to playfully punch Bella in the arm but sent her to the ground and Felice out of her arms, "Oh, oh, oh my God, are you all right?!" Eddy kneeled down to help Bella up.

"I'm fine, honey, it's ok," Bella said.

"Oh, God, I just meant to brush you light," Eddy said.

"I-I know, sweetie, it's fine," Bella said.

"I just- I guess I don't know my own strength," Eddy said.

"Go get our son, honey," Bella said.

"Right," Eddy said, turning to walk inside.

"Chris, it's Mommy," Bella said into the megaphone, "Listen, honey, you're not alone. When I was younger than you, I didn't really have a 'crush' but I know what it's like to be rejected." While Bella was telling her story, Eddy was sneaking around and up to the office, "There was this one group of girls in my school, and they were really cool. Everybody knew them, but when I asked to be friends, they just laughed. Cuz, y'know, I was concidered a freak back in Italy."

Eddy, who was crawling through the vents, broke down into the office, startling Chris.

"Ah!" Chris cried out, "Dad, what are you doing?!"

"Son, I'm stopping you from making a huge mistake," Eddy said.

"Everybody called me mean names," Bella said, "Mostly having to do with me being part cat."

"Bella, I got him!" Eddy said into the microphone before turning to Chris, "Wanna talk about to, champ?"

"Dad, Nicole only like me 'cuz I was school president," Chris sighed, "She thinks I'm weird, and the worst thing is, she's right."

"Chris, I promise you, and this comes from years of expirence, women are never right," Eddy said, "Besides, you can't be as weird as that Jonny kid I knew growing up. Or your mother. She takes pride in saying she has the 'Weirdest Kid' title, and she doesn't let anyone steal that title."

"I was crazy to think and girl would ever like me," Chris said, turning to the computer screen, "Look at me. I _am_ weird."

"No, you're not," Eddy said, setting his hand on Chris's shoulder, "Look, son, Roger was right. You're not like me. You're not as good-looking, or as strong, or as smart, or as good sexually-"

"The teasing didn't stop when my mother died," Bella said, "In fact, it got worse."

"Damn it, Bella, we're having a moment!" Eddy yelled into the microphone.

"Sorry!" Bella said, "I just have to say what's on my mind sometimes!"

"Listen, son," Eddy turned back to Chris, "I'm going to show you something I've never shown anyone before." Eddy pulled a picture out of his jacket, "That's me when I was your age." The picture was of Eddy with acne.

"Oh my God, you were hideous!" Chris cried.

"Well, I certainly wasn't the stallion I am today," Eddy laughed, "But your mother stayed with me. The point is, Chris, you'll be just fine, because you're full of potential."

"Wow, thanks, Dad," Chris smiled, "Aw, but I don't want to face Nicole Dorn."

"I got ya covered," Eddy grinned. He picked up his phone, "Hello, I.N.S.? Hey, is this Nick? Hey, Nick, it's Eddy. Hey, what's going on? Hey, how'd that wiretap on your wife work out? Oh, oh, sorry about that...but hey, better with your brother than some stranger, right?" Eddy laughed, "Right, yeah! Moving on, moving on. Right, right. Say, could you do me a huge favor? You know the Dorn family at 419 Elm? Yeah, let's- let's deport them." Eddy hung up and Chris hugged him.

"You're the best, Dad," Chris said before looking up at Eddy, confused, "Nick?"

"Different Nick, not Ed's kid," Eddy said.

* * *

At the McGee household that night.

The family was eating dinner at the kitchen table and Felice was eating her cat food in a bowl on the floor.

"Mm, great stew, Bella," Eddy said, "The peas are like floating survivors from a sunken porkchop ship."

"Thanks," Bella smiled, "I finally got over my fear of sharp knives." Bella turned to Chris, "Chris, you're awfully quiet. Are you still upset about what happened at school?"

"I'm ok with that," Chris said, "I just wish I were smoother with the ladies."

Roger, who was at the end of the table, perked up.

* * *

Chris was on the phone in his room.

"Oh, ok, Melissa, so I-I'll meet you at the arcade after school tomorrow," Chris said, "Bye." Chris hung up and turned to Roger, who was sitting on his bed holding a muffin, "Thanks for the help, coach."

"My pleasure, but if you expect to get any boob, I'm gonna need a buttload of Twinkies," Roger said. Green ooze shot out of his sides again, "Uh, _salute?_ I know you're Italian."


	2. Threat Levels

At the McGee household on the news.

"The Channel Three Noon Report with anchor-partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates," The announcer said, "News that's independent, proud, and unashamed."

"Good news to report today, Greg," The blond mane on the TV said, turning to the brown-haired man next to him.

"Sure is, Terry," The brown-haired man, Greg, agreed, "The threat level has just been lowered from yellow to blue, prompting across-the-board reductions in security measures. This is the first time the threat level has been blue. Same color as my handsome coanchor's eyes."

"Stop," Terry said, rolling his eyes slightly.

"Come on now, we've talked about this," Greg said, "Learn to take a complement."

"Thank you," Terry said.

"Hmm, see?" Greg asked, "Now how is that hard? Now let's check the freeways."

* * *

At the CIA.

A man popped his head into the security room, where two guys were watching the two screens, one saying 'Mexico' with lots of people, and the other saying 'USA' with three or four people.

"Hey, they just lowered the threat level," The man informed the other two, "I saw it on the news."

"Sweet!" One guy said, then turned to the guy sitting next to him, "Wanna play backgammon?"

"Do I!" The other guy said. They pulled out a drawer inbetween them and started to play the game. On the two screens that the men were no longer watching, all the people on the 'Mexico' moved to the 'USA' screen."

"Well done, fellas," Eddy was at his desk with two men, "Our country is a full color value safer."

"Hello, everyone," Edd walked over, "The boss said we could take a half-day."

"All right!" One guy said, high-fiving Eddy, "I got stuff to do."

Everybody in the building was cheering as they ran out the front doors, similar to kids running out of school on the last day. One guy ran out and jumped in a car another one had pulled up. Two guys were riding past on bikes, one of which had a belt tied around his forehead.

"Wanna get baked and ride the escalators at the mall?" One asked.

"Do I!" The other answered.

* * *

At the McGee household.

In the kitchen, Roger was looking in the fridge while Bella was doing dishes. Klaus was in his bowl on the counter and Felice was watching him from the other side of the sink.

"Roger, take something out or close the door," Bella scolded.

"Nothing looks good," Roger whined.

"You know what looks good to me?" Klaus asked, "Bella, bent over that sink."

"I will let Felice eat you," Bella said calmly. Felice moved to walk over to the bowl, but Bella held her back.

" _I was just joking,"_ Bella spoke in cat. She turned to see Eddy entering the kitchen. He set something down on the table.

"Well, you're home early," Bella spoke in human.

"Well, that's my reward for making the world a safer place," Eddy smiled, "That and this magnificent government paycheck." He pulled an envalope out of his suit.

"That's my Eddy," Bella smiled.

"Here's your allowance, champ," Eddy turned to Chris and handed him a bill.

"Wow, a whole five bucks," Chris said, unenthusiascily.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need change," Eddy said.

"I can't buy a Gamestation with this!" Chris complained.

"You know, when I was a boy, five dollars was-" Eddy was cut off by Chris.

"Tell you what?" Chris said, "I'll give you ten dollars _not_ to tell me this story."

"Five dollars would buy him and our friends twenty jawbreakers," Bella said quickly.

Roger was sniffing the thermos Eddy had put on the table.

"Ew, what is this?" He asked, "Smells like crap."

"That should be empty," Eddy said, "I had my soup for lunch." Bella took the thermos.

"Honey, why is there a biohazard symbol on your thermos?" Bella asked, concerned. She turned the thermos to show a sticker on the side.

"Let me see that!" Eddy said, taking the thermos. He sniffed it and poured out a cup and drank it. He poured out another cup before his eyes widened, "This is not soup."

* * *

On the news later that day.

Greg and Terry were sitting and there was a picture between them of the McGee household being covered in plastic.

"This is the scene in Peach Creek, Verginia, where the McGee family has been quarantinied in their two-story Georgian Colonial home," Terry was saying.

"Actually, Terry, it's an updated Cape Cod," Greg corrected, "The shutters are a dead giveaway."

"You're right, Greg," Terry said, "Thanks for correcting me. It's how I learn." A picture appeared beside Greg's head of a can with a skull and crossbones on it and reading 'Cream of Death'"

"The McGees have been exposed to a biological agent which will eventually liquify their internal organs," Greg explained, "We have a computer generated image of what that might look like, but I must warn you, this is not for the squeamish."

"I'm not gonna look," Terry said, looking away and covering his eyes.

"Oh, no," Bella said. She, Eddy, and Chris were sitting on the couch. Felice was in her lap and Klaus was on the coffee table, "This is a nightmare."

"Don't worry, honey," Eddy said, "You know how the media sensationalizes everything." He turned to a man in a suit next to them, "Hey, friend, what's the real deal?"

"The good news is, you won't die-" The man began. The family started to celebrate.

"See there?" Eddy asked.

"What a relief!" Chris sighed.

" _Meno male!"_ Bella said.

" _Wunderbar!"_ Klaus said.

"-for twenty-four hours," The man finished, causing the family to look at him, surprised, "Which is just enough time for you to learn not to interrupt someone when they're talking!"

* * *

Izzy was walking with a homeless man who was pushing a cart full of stuff.

Don't worry, Tony," Izzy was saying, "We'll find a place to build that homeless shelter."

"Thanks for all your hard work, Izzy," Tony said, "And thanks for walking me home." The man curled up on the sidewalk and Izzy looked at her house.

"Oh my God!" She gasped. She walked in the door wearing a suit.

"Izzy!" Eddy said.

"They let me say good-bye," Izzy said, tearing up, "I'm gonna miss you. All of you."

"Hey, how come she gets to live?!" Chris cried, standing up and pointing at Izzy.

"Because I was out helping the homeless while you were here being a loser," Izzy said.

"Oh yeah?" Chris said. He took the tube in the suit apart and blew into it, "Who's a loser now, loser?"

"Mom, Chris just infected me!" Izzy yelled.

"Nobody likes a snitch, Izzy," Eddy said.

"I don't believe this," Izzy said, taking off her suit, "We're all gonna die!"

"Yeah, tough break," Roger said, giving Izzy a measuring tape end, "Can you hold this?"

"What the hell are you doing?" Eddy asked.

"Measuring for drapes," Roger answered, "As soon as your dead, I'm gonna completely redo this place. I'm thinking something vibrant, like a sea-foam green." When the others looked at him weirdly, he said, "Oh, 'cause I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all this sad." He brightened, "Ooh, dimmer switches! Dimmer switches everywhere!"

"What gives you the idea that you're gonna live?" Eddy asked.

"My species is immune to all human ailments," Roger answered simply.

"So explain that cold sore," Eddy said.

"Mind your own business!" Roger yelled, folding his arms.

"Stop arguing!" Bella ordered, "Time is precious." She stood up, "We have to make the most of our last twenty-four hours together!"

"Your mother's right," Eddy said, "We should all sit together as a family...and watch the entire first season of _Twenty-Four_ on DVD."

* * *

Twenty-four hours later.

"Well, that was bold television," Eddy said, turning off the TV with his remote, "And we still have a moment to spare."

"I can't believe I'm gonna die a vergin," Chris said. Felice meowed, "What do you mean there was a 70-80 percent chance of that happening away?!"

"Daddy-" Izzy started to cry.

"No tears, damn it!" Eddy cried, standing up and pointing at Izzy, "A McGee dies with dignity. Kids, I've been tough on you, but only because I love you so very, very-" Eddy stopped mid-sentence as a scraping sound was heard. The family looked to see Roger dragging in a pink couch.

"Right, should probably wait," Roger laughed sheepishly.

"This is it!" Izzy gasped, standing up and pointing at the clock. It was ticking slowly and finally hitting twelve, striking. A bubbling sound made Chris look at Klaus and gasp.

"Look!" Chris said. Bella screamed when she saw Klaus floating belly-up, but Klaus flipped back over, eyes open.

"Ah!" Klaus said, "I was just snoozing."

"You're alive," Bella said, "We all are."

"That clock is always a little quick," Roger denied, "Let's wait a few minutes."

Bella and Eddy walked outside to see the men clearing up the plastic and tubes.

"Good news," The guy from earlier walked over and took his helmet off, "Apparently, that batch of virus was inert, so that means-"

"We'll be ok!" Eddy said.

"Yes, although apparently your _manners_ died years ago," The man said, irritated. He was about to walk off, but stopped for a minute, "You're welcome!"

Bella sighed.

"Hey, what's wrong, babe?" Eddy asked, "We're alive!"

"I know," Bella said, "And that's good, but, well, when I thought we were gonna die, it made me realize how little I've done with my life, and now I guess I'm feeling...unfulfilled."

"Unfulfilled?" Eddy asked, "But I've given you anything you could ever want. You clean, you cook, and once a week we lie together as husband and wife in sexual congress."

"I know, but remember that time I wanted to own my own goldfish store?" Bella asked, "Back when I was little?"

"Yeah," Eddy said.

"Well, I...I want something like that, but maybe not my own business," Bella said. The two looked across the road when they heard a tapping sound. They walked over.

"What's going on?" Bella asked.

"Hi, Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty," The woman said, shaking Bella's hand, "Let me bring you up to speed. Your virus scare prompted these folks to put their house on the market. Any questions?"

"No, that was good," Bella said.

"Give me a call if you ever need a real estate agent," Barb said, handing Bella a card, "I'm also a hand model." She held out her hands.

"Sweet Sean Hannity, your hands are lovely!" Eddy said, "Uh, come on, Bella."

"Oh, boy, she seems so confident," Bella said as they walked back over to the house, "And the way she wear that jacket with her company's logo. Her life must be so exciting."

"Well, you could do what she does," Eddy said.

"Really?" Bella asked, smiling.

"Absolutley!" Eddy said, "We will absolutley get you a real estate costume. Oh, you'll look adorable. And I'll dress up as a sea captain, and we can take pictures."

"I mean a real job!" Bella said, crossing her arms, "Sorta like when I had my pizza selling-thing when we were younger, but not my own business. It was too hard to run, and that was in that little cul-de-sac."

"No, no, it'll be great!" Eddy said, "I'll be Admiral Finch from the 58th Flotilla, and you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent, and we'll promenade around the neighborhood, delighting young and old alike with our saucy banter."

"Eddy, I can't be a real estate agent just because you say so," Bella said, "It takes years to get a licence."

"You leave that to me milady," Eddy said, kneeling down and kissing Bella's hand like a princess. Bella giggled.

Eddy burst into Barb's office with two men in suits and walked over to her desk. The men stood on either side of Barb.

"Barb Hanson?" Eddy asked.

"Yes," Barb answered.

"Go!" Eddy yelled, putting a black bag over Barb's yelling head as the two men dragged her away, "Wait!" Barb stopped screaming and Eddy took her red jacket off, "Go!" Bard continued yelling as two more men brought in a yelling Bella with a black bag on her head in and sat her at Barb's desk and Eddy tore the bag off.

"What's happening?!" Bella asked as Eddy slipped the jacket on her.

"Congrats, you're in real estate, now!" Eddy said, "Adorable."

"Wait a minute, this is Barb's stuff," Bella observed, "What happened to her?"

"She'll be fine," Eddy assured.

 _In Guantanamo Bay at a prison camp. Bard was sitting at a lunch table with two men. Everyone was wearing an orange suit._

" _Hi, Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty," Barb said, reaching over, "Mind if I borrow one of your napkins? Thanks."_

"The infidel has stolen my napkin!" _One man said in a forghen languidge._

"Tonight we will cut off her lovely hands," _The other said. The first man smiled and nodded._

* * *

At the CIA.

"You let your wife get a job?" Dick asked Eddy. Edd was standing nearby with a cup of coffee.

"No, no, no, it's more like a hobby," Eddy said, "You know, something to keep her busy until I get home."

"Besides her goldfish, of course," Edd added.

"I used to work in real estate," A guy walked past.

"What are you, gay?" Eddy asked.

"I was when I worked in real estate," The man said, "Once I stopped selling houses, my sodemy cleared up like _that."_ The man snapped his fingers.

"You know what's so wrong about gayness?" Eddy asked, "If there are two men, who has the vagina?" Edd sighed.

"No kidding," Dick said, "You need a vagina."

"Yeah, vaginas are great," The man said, "Wish I had one."

"I'm staying out of this conversation," Edd said quietly.

* * *

In the neighborhood.

Bella was putting a 'SOLD' sign in front of a house. Eddy drove up and honked. He stopped behind a moving truck.

"I did it!" Bella cried, running up, "I sold my first house!"

"Hey, who's my big girl?" Eddy smiled, "And such a nice family." He waved at a family moving boxes and they waved back.

"Oh, they're just the movers," Bella said, "The new owners are Greg and Terry." Greg and Terry waved from the doorway. Greg had his arm around Terry's shoulder. Eddy's eyes widened.

"What were you thinking?" Eddy asked after they walked inside, "We don't want their kind in our neighborhood!"

"You're overreacting," Bella said.

"Overreacting?" Eddy asked, "Overreacting?!" He turned around and slammed his head in the wall, creating a dent, "Do you know what those two are? Reporters! That's right, Bella. Members of the liberal media."

"Eddy, not all journalists are bad," Bella said, "You like Brit Hume, right?"

"You know damn well I like Brit Hume," Eddy said.

"Just give Greg and Terry a chance," Bella said.

"All right, but if I-" Eddy stopped when the lights began to dim and brighten, "What- what the hell?"

"Dimmer switch!" Roger sung from the doorway. He had a tool belt on, "Huh? Huh?" Eddy and Bella stared at him, "Oh, I'm sorry, too fabulous?"

"Actually, I used to have one of those in my old house, but it was like a circle," Bella said.

"Thank you!" Roger said, "Someone appreciates my genius!" Roger walked out of the room.

"Oh, I haven't even told you the best part!" Bella turned to Eddy, "Look at my commission check!" Bella pulled an envelope out of her jacket.

"Incredible!" Klaus said, "That is more than Eddy makes in a month!"

"And more than I made with my pizza business in a half-year!" Bella beamed, " _And_ it's just for one house!" Bella walked off into the other room.

"Ooh, you have been emasculated by the superior earning power of your little _haus frau_ ," Klaus said to Eddy, laughing lightly. Eddy turned around and banged his head into the wall again.

"OW!" Eddy cried, holding his forehead, "Oh, God, stud, stud. Hit the stud."

* * *

At the CIA.

"Well, you're in a pickle here," Dick was saying. Eddy was in the break room with Dick and Edd. Edd and Eddy each had a cup of coffee.

"I agree," Edd said, "In a relationship, money is usually power."

"Look, this is just a bump in the road," Eddy said, "Bella's like a kitten. Again. Sure, she's having fun playing with her new ball of yarn and selling a few houses. But soon she'll get bored and go right back to ironing my shirts and taking naps in the sun."

"Open your eyes, Eddy," Dick said, "Your very manhood is at stake."

"Oh, that's crazy," Eddy said.

"Is it?" Dick asked, "When my wife started working, I didn't think twice, but she kept earning more and more money, and then one day, bam!" He dropped his pants but nothing was there. The other two gasped, "And I didn't even get to say good-bye."

"How do you go to the bathroom?" Edd asked, stunned.

* * *

Eddy was now driving home. He saw a bench near a bus stop with a picture of Bella and the words 'Real Estate's Rising Star' and groaned.

" _Your very manhood is at stake!"_ Dick's voice said, " _Your very manhood is at stake! Your very-"_ Eddy looked over to see Dick sitting next to him.

"Ok, that's it," Eddy said, "We're not gonna carpool anymore."

* * *

At a resturant called 'Pricey's'

Izzy, Chris, Bella, and Eddy were sitting at a table.

"Here's to Mom," Izzy was saying, raising her glass, "She's finally cast off the shakles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman."

"Izzy, how'd you like a knuckle sandwich for dinner?" Eddy asked angrily.

"Oh, I have a little surprise for everyone," Bella announced, "Presents!" Bella brought out three small boxes and handed them out.

"A donation for my homeless shelter!" Izzy gasped happily.

"Fifty buck towards my Gamestation!" Chris cried.

"A tie?" Eddy asked, "Since when do I wear a tie?" He was wearing one right now.

"Thank you very much, Mrs. McGee," A waiter walked over.

"You paid?" Eddy asked, "You said you were going to the bathroom."

"I did both," Bella said.

"Well, you can just do it all, can't you?" Eddy said, his arms crossed.

* * *

At the Peach Creek Shopping Mall.

"Dang, we still need a hundred bucks for that Gamestation," Nick said. He, Chris, Martin, and Toshi were walking in the mall.

"Don't worry, I have a scam plan," Chris said, "Toshi, you have a video camera, right?"

" _You assume this because I am Asian,"_ Toshi said in Asian.

"Wow, that's a lot of words for 'Of course'," Chris said.

"Oh, I get it," Nick said, "We can sell Toshi's camera and get the money."

"Woah, Nick," Chris said, "Why do you make everything so complicated? The plan is quite simple, really."

' _Toshi will 'borrow' a camcorder from his parents.'_

 _Toshi was sneaking in his house and snuck out a camera._

' _Meanwhile, Martin and I will find some lovely ladies willing to 'go wild' in exchance for a little cash.'_

 _Chris and Martin walked up to a lunch table full of girls and showed them a wad of money._

' _We'll have ourselves a little photo shoot._

 _The boys and girls were outside and Toshi was recording the girls lift their shirts. Nick fell backwards and Martin turned red when they did._

' _After that, we make thousands of copies, direct-market the tapes on late-night cable television, and then we retire and live out our days playing video games.'_

 _The boys are playing a video game in an expensive-looking room on a couch._

* * *

In Greg and Terry's back yard.

Greg, Terry, and Eddy are in the hot tub.

"I gotta admit, I wasn't sure about you fellas, but sometimes you just wanna be around other men, ya know?" Eddy said.

"It's, uh, nice to meet you, too," Terry said uncomfortably.

"Yeah, thanks for, um, dropping in," Greg added.

"Ah, I envy you guys," Eddy said, "Just a couple of unmarried studs, enjoying life to the max."

"Actually, Greg was married once," Terry shared.

"I was confused," Greg admitted, "Is that why you're here, Eddy? Are you confused?"

"Things are strained between me and the missus," Eddy sighed, "The whole balance of power in our relationship has shifted, and, well, I don't like it."

"I don't blame you," Greg said, "A healthy relationship should be a partnership."

"Well, it's never really equal," Terry said, "Someone always ends up on top."

"Yeah," Greg said, "But, you know, sometimes it's ok to switch."

"Really?" Terry asked, smiling.

"Mm, down the line," Greg said.

"I think I hear what you guys are saying," Eddy said, "I'm the man, and I have to reclaim the power in my marriage. Hey, thanks, fellas." Eddy got out of the tub.

"Take a picture, why don't you?" Terry said to Greg.

"I'm just being polite," Greg said, "It'd be rude _not_ to look."

* * *

Bella was walking out of the Realty building with a woman.

"Forgive me, Bella," Eddy said, holding up a long gun, "I'm only doing this to save our marriage." Eddy lowered the gun, "What am I doing? This is the woman I love." He switched the target with a heart-shaped one, "That's better." He lowered the gun again, "Oh, damn it, I'm such a softie. There's gotta be a better way to put her out of business."

Eddy walked inside the building after Bella had left and walked to an office where two men were.

"Excuse me, are you Bella's boss?" Eddy asked.

"Yes," The man standing up said.

"Go! Go! Go!" Eddy yelled into a watch on his wrist. A group of men broke in with guns, "You're all under arrest."

"What for?!" The boss asked. Eddy picked up a white donut.

"Possession of cocaine donuts," Eddy said.

"Those are powered sugar!" The boss said angrily.

"Put it in a rap song, jailbird," Eddy said, "This office is permanently closed."

"What are you saying?" The boss asked.

"I'm saying you're fired!" Eddy said, pointing the donut in his hand at the boss. A man walked over and cleared his throat, holding out his hand, "Oh, for God's sake. Somebody pay Mr. Trump."

* * *

Chris and his friends were walking up to a for sale house with two women. Toshi was holding the video camera.

"Are you positive we're allowed to use this house for our photo shoot?" Martin asked.

"I overheard my mom say it's been on the market so long everybody's forgotten about it," Chris said.

"Eavesdropper!" Nick scolded, pointing at Chris, "You should respect her privacy!"

"You guys got beer, right?" One girl asked, "'Cause we're not going wild and exposing our breasts without beer."

"Yes, we've got it," Martin said, holding up a box of beer, "Unfortuantly I don't approve of drinking."

" _My pants grow tight,"_ Toshi said.

The group walked inside.

"What?!" Chris cried, surprised. Hanging from the ceiling was a sign reading 'Homeless Rights Center' and below it was a bunch of homeless people with beds, newspapers, and carts.

"We are going neither wild, nor totally wild and a homeless shelter," The other girl said.

"But we are taking our beer," The first girl said, taking the box from Martin.

"Izzy, you ruined everything!" Chris yelled at his sister who walked over, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm giving these poor, forgotten people a new lease on life," Izzy said.

"Um, Izzy?" Tony from earlier said, "I think Phil is dead." He was standing next to a dead man. Three other men hurried over and started stealing his stuff. A fourth man leaped forward and grabbed the beer bottle. A fifth man jumped on another and tried to tug the shoe out of his hands. They started to fight.

"Now we'll never get a Gamestation," Martin sighed.

" _Au contraire,_ my dear cousin," Chris said.

* * *

At the McGee household.

Bella was in the kitchen at the counter and Eddy walked up with flowers.

"Hey, honey, I just heard the news," Eddy said, "Too bad about your office closing down. Well, looks like I'm making more money than you again." Bella turned to him and held up her finger. She was wearing a headset and holding some papers.

"I'd advise you to write an offer soon, Randy," Bella was speaking, "Mortgage rates aren't going to stay this low forever." Bella sat down at the table.

"That's real estate chatter," Eddy said.

"Silence, you fool," Klaus said as Felice meowed, "She's closing a duplex at four percent over list!"

"Bella, what the hell is going on?" Eddy asked, "You were fired." The man from earlier walked over with his hand outstretched, "That's passive past tense, Trump! You don't own that!" The man growled and walked away.

"Eddy, I'm on the phone," Bella hissed, "Sorry, Randy, I'm working from home these days."

"Here you go, boss," Roger walked over and gave Bella a coffee cup with chocolate milk in it.

"'Boss'?" Eddy repeated.

"I'm Mrs. McGee's assistant," Roger explained, "Can I get you something while you wait?"

"Um, a bottled water," Eddy requested.

"It's not cold," Roger said, grabbing a bottle of water from the table, "Is that ok?"

"Ah, forget it," Eddy said. The phone rang and Roger walked over to a desk at the end of the table and answered, "Bella McGee and Associate."

"Hold her calls!" Eddy said, "Bella, I want you to stop this nonsense."

"'Nonsense'?" Bella said, angry, "This job is my career."

"No, _my_ job is a career," Eddy said, "This is just some silly housewife's hobby."

"Oh, yeah?" Bella stood up and set her headset on the table, "Well, this silly housewife loves her 'hobby.' She's good at it. In fact, she kicks ass. So, her big career-man husband is just going to have to deal with it." Bella crossed her arms.

"I could have assassinated you!" Eddy yelled.

"What?" Bella asked, surprised.

"Nothing," Eddy said.

Eddy was taking out the trash. When he got to the trash can out back, the bag broke and Eddy sighed. He heard arguing around the corner.

"It was my house first!" Izzy yelled at her brother.

"You can't stand in the way of progress, tail-face!" Chris shouted back.

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" Eddy asked, walking up to them.

"Chris is making the homeless men in my shelter beat each other senseless," Izzy said.

"It's called 'bum fights'," Chris said, "It's a great scam and I'm gonna make a fortune selling tickets."

"It's exploitation!" Izzy said, "You're making money off of their pain and misery."

"All right, Izzy, I'll handle this," Eddy said. Izzy walked off, smirking, "Let me get this straight, son. You're pitting desperate, downtrodden men against each other in a violent confrontation for cash?"

"Yes, sir," Chris said, slightly ashamed.

"I want in," Eddy smiled.

* * *

Izzy was walking up to her homeless shelter and walked inside and gasped. The sign had a blue 'F' sewn over the 'R' in rights, making it say 'Homeless Fights Center.' The men were all preparing to fight.

"What the hell is going on here?" Izzy asked her brother, who was leaning against the wall near the door.

"Ask Dad," Chris snapped, "He stole my whole bum fights scam idea. He won't even give me a piece of the action."

"Ok, I want a class act," Eddy was saying to two men, "I'll introduce you both, you'll shake hands, and then I'll throw raw meat on the floor, and whoever beats the crap out of the other gets to eat."

"Dad, you were supposed to shut this down," Izzy said, walking over with Chris, "You're degrading these poor men."

"That's ridiculous," Eddy scoffed, "I'm giving them jobs and self-esteem. More importantly, I'm giving them costumes and a back story." He held a blue suit in front of the man to his left, "This is 'The Garbage Collector.' He's got his own catch phrase: 'I'm taking out the trash and sorting it!' An this guy," Eddy turned to the man on his right, "He grew up in the bayou, living and wrestling with alligators. I call him 'The Aviator.'" Eddy held up a mask hat and brown suit to the man, "Fight nights already sold out. I set up a ring, fans can make bets…" Eddy looked over to a stand with people lined up and making bets, "I even put out some nice mixed nuts." He held up a bowl of nuts and the man tried to take some, but Eddy pulled the bowl away, "No! Those are for people!"

"I can't believe you muscled out your own son," Chris said, "You suck, Dad." Chris walked off

"Oh, come on, what's more important?" Eddy asked, "Your hopes and dreams, or me making more than your mother?"

"This is pure exploitation," Izzy said, "I'm going to tell Mom."

"Go ahead," Eddy said, "Then your homeless pals will be back on the street, where the nights are cold and the fights are meatless."

"This. Isn't. Over," Izzy said, walking off.

* * *

At the McGee household.

"Yeah, it's been that kind of week, girlfriend," Roger was on the phone at his desk and filing his 'nails' Bella was sitting at the other end of the table behind him, "But, uh, hey, TGI Hump Day, am I right?"

"Roger, who are you talking to?" Bella asked.

"Tami down at Mentzer Ezcrow," Roger answered, covering the bottom of the phone, "We're phone friends."

"Did you copy those title reports?" Bella asked as Felice worked her way under Bella's hand. Roger squinted at Bella.

"Tams, I gotta go," He said into the phone, "Yeah, the boss is being a real catch you next Tuesday."

"Eddy is back," Eddy said, walking in with a bag. He gave Bella a little box, "Here you go. Just my little way of saying you can keep your little job."

"A diamond ring?!" Bella cried happily, putting it on.

"I also got you a mink stole," Eddy said, pulling it out of the bag.

" _Oh mio Dio!"_ Bella gasped, standing up so Eddy could put it on her, "But Eddy, can we afford this?"

"Well, _you_ can't, but I can," Eddy smiled.

"But how did you get-?" Bella began.

"Shh-shh!" Eddy said, "Smile for Leroy Neiman. He's painting up right now." A man was painting on a canvas in the kitchen.

"That's Leroy Neiman?" Bella asked.

"I know; I thought he was black, too," Eddy said.

* * *

Eddy was counting a bunch of ticket money at the center. He was wearing a grey sweat shirt and a green sun cap. A little sign said 'Bum Fighting Accounting Dept' on the table.

"I gotta hand it to you, Dad," Chris was standing nearby, "You really pulled it off. Or did you?" He pulled open a curtain to reveal the homeless men outside with strike signs and Izzy standing in front. She raised her fist and Eddy's eyes widened and he rushed outside.

"You unionized the homeless?!" Eddy cried.

"Yup," Izzy said, "This is the Fighting Bums Local 302." The homeless men were cheering and marching in a circle holding their signs, "Here are our demands." Izzy handed Eddy a list.

"'Longer red lights at freeway off ramps, free doggy day care, human dignity'?" Eddy read, "I can't meet these demands."

"Then you better start refunding everyone's money, 'cause there won't be and bum fights tonight," Izzy smirked and walked off.

"No!" Eddy cried, covering his stuff, "You can't take my money!"

"Don't sweat it, Dad," Chris said, "I found a bum who's willing to scab. All you got to do is dress up like a bum and fight him."

"Son, you're a lifesaver!" Eddy cried, "All right, what bum is stupid enough to step into a ring with me?" Chris pointed and Eddy's jaw dropped. The bum was big and stronger than Eddy, "Who the hell is that?"

"He doesn't have a name," Chris said.

"What do you mean?" Eddy asked.

"He...killed his own name," Chris said. The man bit off his thumb and spit it out, laughing.

"My God, Chris!" Eddy said, turning to Chris, "You couldn't get me the Aviator or the Tickler or Pillow Hands McGraw?"

"No way!" A man said. He had pillows for hands, "Not me! I ain't no scab!"

* * *

Later that day in the back yard was a group of people surrounding a boxing ring. In one corner is the bum, and in the other is Eddy dressed as a homeless man with Chris at his side and Izzy next to him outside the ring.

"Dad, this is suicide!" Izzy said, "You're a weapons expert! When was the last time you were in a fist fight?"

"I'll be fine, Izzy," Eddy said, taking a towel Chris was handing him, "You never forget how to fight. It's like beating up a bycicle. A bell dung and Eddy and the man walked towards the middle of the ring. Eddy tried to punch the man in the stomach, but hurt his hand. The man grunted happily and grinned.

"Don't let it eat my heart," Eddy said to Chris. The man punched Eddy in the face and began beating him up. He dropped him on the ground and laughed evilly. Bella was walking a couple around the house to the back yard.

"This is a wonderful starter home," Bella was saying, "I've been saving it for a couple just like you."

"Pretty soon we're going to be more than a couple," The woman said, her hand rested on her bloated stomach.

"Oh, congrats!" Bella said, "When is it due?"

"We're adopting," The woman said.

"Let me show you the backyard," Bella changed the subject. She opened the gate, "It's the perfect place for a baby to play." As they entered the yard, blood splattered onto the couple from the fight, making the woman scream, " _Oh mio Dio!"_

The man was now beating Eddy even more.

" _Smettila!"_ Bella cried, running forward, "Eddy, what are you doing?!" Bella stepped into the ring and held the man back, "Leave my _marito_ alone!" A man in the crowd laughed.

"Look, that bum's wife has to jump in and save him," He said.

"What a wuss!" Another guy said. The crowd started laughing. Eddy looked around angrily, stood up, and punched the bum in the face, sending him to the ground. Eddy fell to his knees, smiling. Chris walked over and held Eddy's arm up.

"It's a knockout!" Chris announced, "My Dad wins!" The crowd was angry.

"I lost a pile of dough on that one-thumbed psycho," A man said.

"Me two," Another said, "Let's exit quickly." The crowd rushed out the gates.

"I did it," Eddy said, "I'm the man!"

"Not really," Izzy confessed.

"We paid this guy to take a dive, then bet everything on you," Chris explained as the man stood up. The two kids each held up a wad of money.

"So, this whole thing was a set-up?" Eddy asked.

"More of a performance piece," The man said, "Hi- Ted Fielder, method actor. I'm also a hand model." He held up his hands and saw a thumb missing and gasped, "NNNNOOOOOOOOO!" He ran off and Izzy and Chris walked the other way.

"Eddy, why did you do this?" Bella asked, "This had to be your craziest scam ever, and that's including the Incident."

"Oh, money," Eddy groaned sadly, "You make more of it than me. I'm a failure as a man."

"You big _droga,"_ Bella sighed, "Don't you get it? We're a team."

"I know, and you're the owner," Eddy said, "I get it."

"No, Eddy, we're equals," Bella said, helping Eddy up, "We share everything, good and bad. You don't have to feel threatened by my job."

"So, you mean when you succeed, I succeed?" Eddy asked.

"Exactly," Bella said.

"Hey, I was gonna hitch a ride home, but I bit my thumb off," Ted walked back over.

"So use your other one," Bella suggested.

"Right, thanks," Ted said, "Hey, teach a man to fish, huh?" He walked off again.

* * *

The next day at the McGee household.

Eddy was pouring a cup of coffee and Roger was watching the news in the kitchen when Bella walked up.

"I made you fresh coffee," Eddy said, handing Bella a cup.

" _Grazie,"_ Bella said, "Y'know, since I started drinking coffee, I haven't needed my ADHD meds. Weird."

"Have a good day at work, partner," Eddy said.

"Shh!" Roger glared from his seat and turned back to the TV.

"Interest rates went up this morning by a whopping 20 points, sending mortgage rates soaring," Greg was saying, "Smart play locking us in on that low-fixed rate, Terry."

"Thank you," Terry smiled.

"Said the man who's finally learning his own self-worth," Greg said, "This senseless rate hike by Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has jeopardized the fragile U.S. economy, and put every real estate agent in the country out of work."

"That's a shame," Eddy said, setting his hand on Bella's shoulder, "I'm sorry, babe."

"Can I keep this mouse pad?" Roger asked, holding up the blue mouse pad, "I'm keeping this mouse pad."

"Oh well, it was fun while it lasted," Bella said, "And you learned there's no need to feel threatened by my success."

"Absolutely," Eddy said, "Go Team McGee!" Eddy kissed Bella's cheek and she walked off. Eddy spoke into the watch on his wrist, "It's Eddy. Release Greenspan's schnauzer."

 _A man was holding a dog in front of Greenspan._

" _Fannie Mae!" He said. The man let go of the dog, which bit Greenspan where it hurt._

"That's all on the morning report," Terry was saying, "We'll see you at noon."

"And I'll see _you_ tonight," Greg said.

"Greg!" Terry said.

"Oh, relax," Greg said, "Everybody knows." While this was going on, Eddy was whistling as he grabbed his thermos and headed outside.


	3. Eddy Knows Best

That night at the McGee household.

The family, including Roger and Felice, were sitting on the couch. Klaus was on the coffee table and Eddy was on the chair. A pile of stuff was on the table and Eddy held up a part.

"Firing pin!" Chris cried.

"Hammer?" Bella asked.

"Breech bolt!" Klaus said.

"Come on, easy game," Eddy said, "Name the gun part."

"I hate this game," Bella mumbled.

"Breech bolt!" Klaus repeated.

"Muzzle," Chris said.

"Point for Chris!" Eddy said, pointing at Chris, "Good one, son."

"Breech bolt!" Klaus said again.

"Chris already guessed it, Klaus," Bella said.

"Yeah, what are you, an idiot?" Roger joked.

"Say that in _mein_ bowl!" Klaus yelled, pushing against the side of the bowl, "I dare you! Say that in _mein_ bowl!"

Just then, Izzy walked in, and her hair was dyed green.

"Wow, Izzy, some dye job," Roger laughed, "The carpet match the curtains?"

"Not the pink I had when I was young, but it looks...good," Bella said.

"What did you do to your hair?" Chris asked.

"I dyed it at a Green Party rally," Izzy explained.

"You missed family game night for that?" Eddy asked, "Go wash it out! You look like a slutty wad of money."

"No way," Izzy glared. Eddy quickly put the gun together and pointed it at Izzy.

"Yes way," Eddy said.

"Eddy!" Bella yelled, standing up.

"She started it!" Eddy said.

"It's my hair," Izzy said, walking upstairs, "I'm keeping it."

"What the hell is wrong with that girl?" Eddy asked, "Do I have to smell like b.o. and hump a Redwood just to get through to her?"

"Eddy, I'm sure this green hair thing is just a phase," Bella assured, "Just like my Pinkie Pie pink hair was. I bet she'll be over it by tomorrow."

"Something tells me you're right," Eddy said.

* * *

That night, Izzy was in bed when Eddy walked into her room with a pair of sissors. He cut of a strip of her hair and she turned in her sleep.

"Shh-shh-shh-shh," Eddy whispered, "Sandman's a-callin'." He cut off another strip of hair, "Shh...That's right. That's right. Bigfoot's baking sugar cookies and Santa wants to take you to the Oscars."

* * *

The next morning.

Eddy, Chris, and Roger were sitting at the kitchen table and Bella was at the counter, where Klaus's bowl was.

"How's everyone's French toast?" Bella asked.

"Smelly and ungrateful," Eddy said, "But this American toast is delicious." Izzy screamed from upstairs, "Well, Sleeping Beauty's finally up."

Izzy entered the room, bald from her dad cutting off all of her hair, leaving only her cat ears.

"Woah, nice dome," Chris laughed slightly, "You're almost as ugly as Roger." Roger gasped and held up a plate, making all the food fall off. He looked at his reflection.

"I'm not ugly!" He said, "Am I?"

"How dare you!" Izzy yelled at Eddy.

"How dare I? How dare I?" He pulled earplugs out of his ears, "Sorry, I was at the shooting range this morning and I left my earplugs in. Did you say 'How dare I'?"

"Mom!" Izzy whined.

"Oh, Eddy, how could you?" Bella glared at Eddy.

"How could I? How could I?" Eddy pulled out another pair of earplugs, "Sorry, back-up pair."

"It's ok, honey," Bella said, "You don't look like a giant one of those hairless cats."

"How am I supposed to go to school with no hair?" Izzy cried.

"Already got you covered," Eddy said, pulling out a tray with three wigs.

"Wigs?" Klaus asked.

"Not just any wigs," Eddy said, "These are styled after the most revered Republican First Ladies of our time. The Barbra Bush," Eddy pointed at the white wig, "The Nancy Reagan," He pointed at the light brown wig, "The Maria Shriver." He pointed at the dark brown wig. He looked towards the screen, "Stay tuned."

"Those are terrible," Izzy said.

"Hey, most girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice," Eddy said.

"Do me a favor," Izzy said, "Stay out of my life!" Izzy ran off. Roger grabbed the 'Nancy Reagan' and put it on.

"How do I look now, Chris?" Roger asked, "Pretty enough for you, huh? Ah, forget it." He slammed the wig on the table and stomped off.

* * *

That night.

Izzy was playing loud music in her room. Eddy and Bella were in their room. Eddy pounded on the wall.

"Hey, turn down that rap music!" Eddy yelled, "It's a bad influence! I swear, yo, Shorty be leaning on my last nerve." Eddy sat down on the bed.

"Well, what do you expect?" Bella asked, "You shaved her head in her sleep. And putting her hand in that bowl of warm water? That was just overkill."

"I wanted to see if it works," Eddy said, then laughed, "It totally does." The music stopped, "Ugh, finally." Izzy entered the room with blond hair, unseen holes cut in so her cat ears poked out so she could hear.

"Mom, is my wig straight?" Izzy asked.

"Perfect," Bella smiled, walking over, "What is it, horse hair?" A fly flew past and the wig slapped it. A horn honk outside and Izzy turned her head.

"Jeff's here," Izzy said, "Later."

"Who's Jeff?" Eddy asked.

"My boyfriend," Izzy said, leaving, "Don't wait up."

"Boyfriend?" Eddy said, "How can she be old enough to have a boyfriend? She still wets the bed." Eddy sighed and layed back on the bed.

"Eddy, you're so stressed," Bella said, "You want me to make you happy with my mouth?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Eddy said. Bella leaned over and started to zerbert his belly, making him laugh, "Ah, that helps a little."

"Eddy, maybe you'd feel better if we met this boy," Bella said, "Why don't we have him over for dinner so you can get to know him?"

"That's brilliant, Bella!" Eddy said, "Now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea."

* * *

The next day at Peach Creek High School.

There was a sign in the cafeteria saying 'Aloha Dance! This Saturday'

"Man, that dance is gonna be a rager," Chris was saying to his friends.

"Yeah, it's too bad we can't get dates," Nick said.

"What?" Chris asked, surprised, "Fellas, girls wanna get down just as bad as we do. Here, here, watch." He walked over to a girl nearby, "Hey, Foxy-" The turned around and kicked him where it hurt. Chris bent over and slowly walked back over to the table where the others were laughing, "You got something to say, Nick?"

"Easy, Chris," Martin said, "We're just not studs. We are the men who don't get the women of choice until we're making lots of money in our mid to late 30's."

" _Not me_ ," Toshi said, " _I have some obedient arranged tail waiting for me in Japan."_

"No, no, no, you know what?" Chris said, "Not only am I going to that dance, but I'll bet each of you 20 bucks I also get boob."

"Bring back the bra to prove it?" Nick asked.

"I'll do you one better- I'll wear it back," Chris made a pose, "No, actually, I'll just bring it."

* * *

That night at the McGee household.

Eddy, Bella, Izzy, and Jeff were at the kitchen table, laughing.

"So my surfboard nails me in the head and I go down like a bag of rocks," Jeff was telling a story, "And just then, my life flashes before my eyes...and I'm bored!" The four started laughing again.

"He's bored!" Eddy laughs, putting his hand on Jeff's shoulder, "You took us the other way with it, Jeff. Thank you."

"Hey, I just hope that one day I, too, have a daughter who's as smart and wonderful as Izzy," Jeff said, turning to Izzy beside him.

"Aww," Bella said, "Isn't he sweet, Eddy?"

"He sure is," Eddy said, "Next time I'm out of Jawbreakers, I'm just gonna suck on Jeff."

* * *

Later that night or the next day, Jeff and Izzy were at a party. A sign said 'Groff Community College Rocks!'

"Jeff, you were so good at dinner," Izzy said to Jeff.

"Babe, we're good together," Jeff said, "Which is why I was thinking, you should move in with me."

"Woah," Izzy said, "It's only been three weeks. Besides, I don't think my dad would be too happy with that."

"Babe, your dad digs me," Jeff said, "I can tell, he wants us to be together." Just then, two men in black suits broke in from the window in the ceiling on ropes. Then landed next to Izzy and put a bag over her head and decending back up.

"Great," One guy said, "Now it's officially a sausage fest."

"See you tomorrow, fellas," Eddy was waving at a helicopter, "Hey, Sanchez, try to get to work on time for a change!" The man in the helicopter started shooting at Eddy, who avoided them while laughing, "Hey, don't make me come up there!" He chuckled as the copter flew off, "Yeah, you better fly." He walked inside where an angry Bella was standing next to Izzy, who was tied up against a chair with duct tape over her mouth, "What a bunch of clowns." Izzy made a muffled yell and Bella tore off the duct tape.

"Ow!" Izzy cried.

"There," Bella said, "Now you can talk and we took care of your fur."

"Dad, are you insane?!" Izzy yelled, "You can't just abduct me like that!"

"Hey!" Eddy shouted, pointing at Izzy, "Don't you use that word in this house! I liberated you. And maybe next time you'll think twice before dating the wrong guy."

"There's nothing wrong with Jeff," Izzy defended.

"Too bad," Eddy said, folding his arms, "I forbid you to see him."

"What?!" Izzy cried.

"Eddy, I don't think we should-" Bella started.

"Bella, wait in the car," Eddy said.

"What?" Bella asked, confused.

"Izzy, this is for your own good," Eddy said, "Jeff was much too relaxed at dinner. He had the laid back attitude of a stone man."

"Do you mean a stoner?" Izzy corrected.

"Go wait in the car with your mother," Eddy said.

"You can't do this," Izzy said, "I'm eighteen."

"While you're under my roof, you'll live by my rules," Eddy said. Jeff opened the door and walked in.

"Dude, this _is_ your house," Jeff said, "And you're alive!" Izzy untied herself and ran to hug Jeff.

"Well, guess what, Dad?" Izzy said, "I don't have to listen to you anymore. I'm moving in with Jeff."

"What?!" Eddy shouted, surprised and angry.

"Right on, babe!" Jeff said as they walked outside.

"Izzy, don't go!" Bella called.

"You get back here, Izzy!" Eddy yelled, "No? Well, I didn't want to have to use this, but- rhubarb!"

"Rhubarb?" Bella asked.

"Mm, that's her trigger word," Eddy said, "I had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take."

Chris walked zombie-like behind the two, holding a large gun.

* * *

Izzy and Jeff climbed in Jeff's van.

"C'mon, let's go to your place," Izzy said. She was sitting in the passenger seat, the only other seat there was.

"This is my place," Jeff said.

"What?" Izzy said, "You live in your van?"

"No," Jeff said, " _We_ live in _our_ van. My mom had me right where you're sitting." Izzy looked down at the seat beneath her.

"Jeff, why did you not tell me you live in your van?" Izzy asked angrily. She was now sitting on the beanbag in the back.

"Babe, we did it," Jeff said. He was kneeling in front of her, "We took the plunge." He opened the back doors and sat on the edge, swinging his legs, "Come celebrate on the padio."

"Can we just get out of here?" Izzy asked, moving to sit in the passenger seat, "I gotta get away from my parents." Jeff closed the back doors.

"This van is our pen and the road in our parchment and together we'll drive a poem across America," Jeff said, coming to sit in the driver's seat. He started to drive, but the van began to backfire, making the van break down a few feet from where they started, "Yup, this is the spot. We are right where we need to be. Uh, I gotta use the can." Jeff held up a little tin can and walked outside. Izzy looked sadly down, making her wig slip off of her head.

* * *

"Oh, Eddy, I can't believe our little girl moved out," Bella said. She was sitting on the couch inside. Eddy was kneeling by the window, holding something that was connected to his ears.

"Oh, Bella, you're going to love this," Eddy laughed, "Jeff, you know Jeff? Jeff lives in his van. And the piece of junk just broke down outside." Eddy laughed again, "She's not going anywhere."

"Eddy, are you sure she still-" Bella began, but stopped when Eddy broke the window with his fist.

"Hey, Izzy!" Eddy called, "At least the last time you ran away, you made it all the way to the stop sign!" Eddy laughed, "That's funny. I'm funny."

"Don't egg her on," Bella scolded, "She'll never want to come back."

"Bella, she hates it in there," Eddy said, turning around and pointing over his shoulder with his thumb, "By morning she'll be back in bed wearing her footie pajamas and sucking on her Lion King blankie."

"But she got rid of those things years ago," Bella said.

"Not in here she didn't," Eddy said, tapping on his head.

* * *

The next morning Eddy and Bella entered Izzy's room.

"Oh, Eddy, our little girl is back!" Bella said happily.

"Hey, I didn't order _rude_ service," Roger snapped, sitting up in the bed.

"Roger, why aren't you in the attic?" Eddy asked.

"Oh, it's so cold and drafty," Roger said, "Which is great for a Michelob, but I gotta sleep up there." Bella opened the blinds and peered out of them. Roger covered his eyes, "Oh yeah, that's good, that's not too bright. That's just fine."

"Eddy, she's still out there," Bella said. Izzy exited the van holding a can, "What is she squatting over? Oh, Izzy, that's not how you make coffee."

"Is Roger moving into Izzy's room?" Chris asked, walking in while brushing his teeth.

"No, he is not!" Bella said.

"Fine, I'll go up to the frigid attic," Roger said grumpily. He jumped off the bed, dragging the blanket with him as he wrapped it around himself, "I'm supposed to bring pneumonia back to my home planet anyway."

"Eddy, I want my _bambina_ home," Bella said, "Just go down there and apologize." Bella pointed at the van.

"No! No apologies!" Eddy said, "George W. taught me that. I just have to remind her how great life is in the McGee home."

* * *

In the van, Izzy was reading a book while Jeff cooked in a pot on a portable stove.

"Babe, keep tonight open," Jeff said, "Marco and Skye are having a wine and cheese thing in their Tercel." Izzy rolled her eyes when she heard sheep bleeting. She opened the side door to see Eddy in the front yard with a bunch of farm animals.

"Oh, hi, Izzy," Eddy said, "Got you a clown and a petting zoo. Sure you don't want to move back in?" The clown rode by on a tiny tractor, "Maybe the clown will ride the pig! Man. we're having fun!" Izzy slammed the door shut. Eddy turned to the clown, "How much longer do I have you for?"

"Two hours," The clown said. Eddy pointed at the house.

"Go read to my wife," Eddy said, "She likes Harry Potter." The clown sighed and walked inside while taking out a pair of giant glasses.

* * *

At Peach Creek High School.

Chris was leaning against the wall outside. A girl passed by and he purred, but she kicked him down low, causing him to bend over in pain.

"How is your search coming along?" Martin asked, walking over with the others.

"Making progress," Chris smiled, "A girl just groped me with her foot. The group looked over when they heard giggling and saw two girls standing beside a boy, "What the heck? Since when does Frankle real in the babes?"

"Oh, he's got the sympathy factor working for him," Martin said, "His little brother got his arm stuck in a ski lift. Tore it right off, the poor kid."

"Boy, that sucks," Nick said.

"Not for Frankle," Chris said.

"Sure, girls, I'll judge your kissing contest," Frankle said, walking off with his arms around the girls' shoulders. An arm holding a ski stick was poking out of his backpack.

* * *

That night at the McGee household.

Bella was setting the table, where Roger was sitting and Felice was on the counter. Eddy walked in holding something behind his back.

"Good news, Bella," Eddy said.

"Izzy's back?" Bella gasped.

"Even better," Eddy said, "Say hello to your new daughter!" Eddy revealed a baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

"What?" Bella asked, surprised.

"Isn't she beautiful?" Eddy asked.

"Is that a Chinese baby?" Roger asked.

"Sure is," Eddy said, "Japanese to be specific."

"Eddy, I don't want a new daughter!" Bella said, "Don't you get it? I want my Izzy!" Bella ran off crying into her hands. Eddy sniffed something.

"One of us pooped," He said to the baby.

* * *

At the CIA.

Eddy was sitting at his desk, holding a picture of a young Izzy. She wore a light pink shirt and had a pink flower in front of her right cat ear.

"Izzy, what happened?" Eddy asked himself, "You used to be so easy."

" _Eat your peas, Izzy," Eddy told a young Izzy. They were sitting at the kitchen table._

" _Why?" Izzy asked, her arms crossed._

" _So you can be strong enough to fight off the animal catcher when he comes to take you to the pound," Eddy said. He knocked under the table and Izzy gasped, "Oh, here he comes now." Izzy started to wolf down the peas._

"Hey, Eddy, did you hear?" Edd walked over with a cup of coffee and Ed, "Ed, unfortuantly, just killed his first dictator."

"Well, he was a U.S. ally, then a dictator," Ed corrected, "But I'm happy. I'm good."

"Hey, we gotta celebrate!" Eddy said, "How about lunch and drinks Friday at the place with the buffet?"

"Yummy!" Ed smiled and walked off, bouncing slightly.

"So, Eddy, did Izzy move back in?" Edd asked.

"No, and Bella's devastated," Eddy sighed, "I mean, if she's this upset now, what's she gonna be like when Izzy dies?"

"Well, we should all have passed by then," Edd said quietly, "Point is, you have to talk to Izzy, to let her know how much you would like her home."

"Absolutely not," Eddy said, slamming his fist on his desk, "I could never grovel to my own daughter." _But I think I know someone who could,_ He added as an after thought.

* * *

Izzy was at the grocery store. Eddy was dressed up as a employee, wearing a big brown coat and hat and a black mustache and beard.

"Paper or plastic?" Eddy asked in a Russian accent.

"Burlap," Izzy said, handing him a bag.

"I, too, share your annoying concern for the environment," Eddy said.

"Dad?" Izzy asked.

"No, no," Eddy said, "I am former communist named Petrov. Like you, I embrace insane left-wing philosophies which are best discussed in comfort of parents' home."

"Dad, leave me alone," Izzy glared.

"All right, I've had enough of this," Eddy said in his normal voice, "You're coming home with me right now or else."

"Or else what?" Izzy asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"That'll be $38.40," The cashier said. Izzy pulled out her credit card, but Eddy yanked it out of her hand.

"Hey!" Izzy cried.

"Or else you can't use this," Eddy said, "Your mother and I gave you this card, and I can damn well take it back."

"Fine," Izzy said, walking away, "I don't need your money."

"Good, 'cuz I'm completely cutting you off," Eddy called.

"Petrov, go restock that stuff," The cashier requested.

"Can't Susan do it?" Eddy asked it his accent, "I on break in, like, two minutes."

* * *

At the McGee household.

Chris was in his room with a girl, who was packing up some books into her backpack.

"Thanks for tutoring me," The girl said.

"No worries," Chris said, "Hey, did you hear about Frankle's brother losing his arm?"

"Yeah, poor Frankle," The girl said, "I just wanted to hug him and never let go."

"Yeah, yeah," Chris sighed, "I remember when my sister had her accident." The girl's eyes widened, "Oh, did I not mention my sister who was horrifically burned over 98% of her body?"

"That's terrible," the girl said.

"Only her taint survived," Chris sighed. Chris ran into Izzy's room, where Roger was wearing her nightgown, wearing a headband with cat ears, and laying in her bed, "Ok, it's on!" He ran over to the bed, "You pull this off, and I'll convince my parents to let you sleep in here."

"Don't worry," Roger said, "I've been studying all day. I even watched Meg Ryan's latest movie, where she plays that burn victim."

"She never played a burn victim," Chris said before walking to the door.

"Oh, Meg, honey," Roger said.

"Kim, meet my sister, Izzy," Chris said, leading the girl into the room and up to the bed, "Time for your burn cream." Chris was holding a tube, "I hope I don't cry like last time." Chris squirted some cream onto his hand and started rubbing it on 'Izzy's' arm.

"What...what happened?" Izzy asked.

"Oh, I was dating a pool guy, and he thought it would be kinky if we gave each other chlorine massages," Roger explained, "I went first." Chris rubbed some cream on Roger's forehead, "Ooh, that's cooling."

"How awful!" Kim gasped.

"I know!" Roger cried, "I'm hideous!"

"You are so not hideous," Kim said.

"Oh, don't tease me," Roger said.

"No, really," Kim assured, "It's your eyes...and the unique shape of your head….I think you're beautiful." Chris cleared his throat.

"Oh, oh, and Chris has been a super little brother," Roger said, "Freezing my Snickers, sticking me outside in the shade."

"Chris, that is so sweet," Kim said.

"I know," Chris said, "Wanna go to the dance?"

"I'd love to," Kim smiled.

"Great!" Chris said and began to push Kim out of the room, "Well, see you, Izzy!" Roger got out of bed, and it was revealed that he was also wearing a fake cat tail. He ran over to the mirror.

"I _am_ beautiful," He said. He lifted his dress a bit and spun around in a circle. He landed and laughed sheepishly, "Ah, ah, saw my tushie."

* * *

At Groff Community College.

Izzy was in class and finished up her work. She stood up and turned it in at the teacher's desk.

"Impressive, Ms. McGee," The teacher said, "A lesbian of color couldn't have done a better job. I'd give it an 'A'..." Izzy smiled, "...if you had paid your tuition." Izzy looked surprised.

"What?" Izzy asked, "But I'm paid up for the semester." Something dawned on her, "Dad..."

"There are no free rides here at Groff Community College," The teacher said, handing Izzy her work back, "You have three days to pay your tuition."

"A whole semester's tuition?" Izzy asked, "How am I supposed to come up with 85 bucks in three days?!"

* * *

"Welcome to House of Hoagies," A woman said, "Can I get you a sandwich...with nothing on it?" The woman tore off her clothes, leaving only a bra and underwear, and it was revealed she was a stripper. Izzy, who was wearing a blue outfit like the woman, her tail sticking out of the back, walked over to a man, holding a tray with a beer.

"Hey, waitress, bring me a beer," The man said.

"I just did," Izzy said.

"Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs," The man said, pouring the beer down his pants. Izzy rolled her eyes and walked off to the bar.

"Don't worry, doll," A woman said. She was smoking a cigarette, "It gets easier."

"I'm fine," Izzy sighed, "At least I'm not being exploited like these poor strippers."

"Exploited?" The woman asked, "Kitty, these girls are being empowered."

"Yeah, right," Izzy scoffed.

"Think about it," The woman said, "All they do is show their breasts, and men hand over hundreds of their hard-earned dollars." The two looked over at a woman doing a private dance for a man. He handed her his wallet and she took off her top. The man then gave her his shoes, "Who's really being exploited here?"

"Plus, to quote Camille Paglia," A man sitting nearby said, "These women are 'sexual conquerors, controlling the channel between nature and culture." He turned to yell at the stripper, "Take it off, bitch!"

"Camille Paglia, huh?" Izzy said to herself, smiling.

* * *

The Eds were getting food at the nearby buffet.

"Hey, Eddy, did everything work out ok with Izzy?" Edd asked as they went to sit down.

"no, I had to cut her off like a diseased hand," Eddy sighed, "Paw, in her case. And, like any diseased paw, sooner or later she'll come flopping back."

"They always do," Edd said, "Although, a hand that's cut off would not be able to move anymore."

"Yup, I got her right where I want her," Eddy said. They sat down in front of the stage.

"All right, gentlemen!" The DJ laughed, "Let's welcome to the stage...Dusty!" Izzy was on the stage, dressed up like a cowgirl. Eddy's eyes widened in horror. Izzy took off her top, not noticing her dad.

"Oh, my God," Eddy said, standing up, "What is she doing?!"

"Pretending to ride a horse," A man leaned over, "Yeah, if you wanna see a real horse, you gotta go to the track."

"C'mon, we're leaving," Eddy demanded, "The girls here are ugly."

"We can't leave," Edd said, "We just arrived."

"Gravy, Eddy!" Ed whined, holding up a bowl of gravy. Eddy walked off, sheilding his eyes. He pulled the fire alarm, which went off and made a red light flash.

"Oh, no, someone pulled the alarm!" The DJ yelled, "You know what that means? Dusty, you're on fire, and that's a double dance for you! Ha!" The men cheered and Eddy walked out the doors.

* * *

He walked home and pinned Jeff against his van.

"How could you let Izzy do this?!" Eddy yelled.

"Do what?" Jeff asked.

"Don't play dumb!" Eddy said, "You know she's stripping! Showing people her Ho-Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Susie Q's, her...her...uh….Aw, God, what...what are those called? Those little, uh...pink with the coconut…? They're really good…."

"Her Sno Balls?" Jeff guessed.

"You bastard!" Eddy shouted, pinning Jeff against the van again.

"I didn't know she was stripping!" Jeff cried.

"Don't lie to me, Stoneman!" Eddy said.

"For real!" Jeff pleaded, "She said she was out torching SUVs. I'd never be cool with stripping."

"Really?" Eddy asked coldly.

"Yeah," Jeff said, "I mean, I've dated three strippers, and two of 'em turned up dead. And the cops always go to the boyfriend with the van. That's profiling, man, and that's wrong."

"Well, that's the price you pay for the sweet pleasure of van ownership," Eddy said, "Let's go!"

* * *

Inside, the doorbell rang, and Chris answered it. Kim entered wearing a blue strap half-shirt and a long blue skirt with yellow flowers on it. Her hair had a large yellow flower in it.

"Kim, wow, you look great!" Chris said, smiling, "But the dance isn't for two hours."

"Yeah, but I gotta be up early for church camp, so I thought we'd fool around beforehand."

"Thank you, Jesus," Chris whispered.

"Oh, wait," Kim said, "Can I say hi to your charred sister first?"

* * *

Kim was applying make-up to Roger. He had blue eyeliner and pink lipstick.

"I was also thinking some mascara," Roger was saying, "You know, to draw attention to my eyes."

"You know what else?" Kim asked. She was dabbing a brush in a little container, "Some blush would really bring out your cheekbones."

"I love that idea!" Roger said, "Paint me! Paint me!" Kim applied the blush to Roger's cheeks. Chris looked down at his hands and squeezed his belly.

* * *

At a place called 'Mentally Deficient Young Woman (Formerly Crazy Girls)' or the stripper's club.

Izzy was doing a private dance for a man, dressed as a cowgirl.

"Oh, yeah, who's your daddy?" The man laughed.

"I am!" Eddy said.

"Dad?!" Izzy turned around to see Eddy. Jeff walked up.

"Blow up many 4Runners today?" Jeff asked, "Or did you for-get?"

"Jeff, I'll, uh...do the talking," Eddy said. He grabbed Izzy's wrist.

"Let me go!" Izzy demanded.

"Hey, she's not going anywhere," A woman dressed as Bo Peep and holding a cane walked over.

"Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?" Eddy asked. The other strippers, dressed as a maid, a construction worker, a cop, and a nurse, walked over, "I see. Well, I don't want any trouble. I'll just be on my merry little way!" Eddy turned around to leave but turned back and punched the Bo Peep in the face, sending her flying backwards. She wiped the blood from her mouth and spun her cane, yelling and running at Eddy. The two started to fight. Eddy grabbed her cane, "Hey, Bo Peep, I know where you can find your sheep- in Hell!" He punched her chin and kicked the cane, snapping it in two. Jeff threw a chair over her head. The nurse and construction worker walked up from behind, the nurse using a stythiscope as nunchucks and the worker holding a large hammer.

* * *

At the house.

Bella was walking out to the van, holding a laundry basket and a can.

"Izzy, are you in there?" Bella knocked on the back doors, "I brought some fresh laundry and rinsed out your tinkle can." She knocked again, " _Ci-ao?"_ She opened the doors and set the basket down. She looked at the word schedule and gasped, "Izzy's working at a booby bar? And she traded shifts with Tina? What does Tina have to do that's so important? Wait. This isn't about Tina." She gasped again, "This isn't about Tina! It's never been about Tina."

* * *

Chris and Kim were in Izzy's room, waiting for Roger to come out of the closet.

"Kim, we are running out of time if we want to 'get busy'," Chris was saying.

"Here I come!" Roger called. He came out of the closet wearing a yellow dress, blue eyeliner, blush, and pink lipstick.

"Oh, you look gorgeous!" Kim gasped, "Doesn't she look gorgeous, Chris?"

"Stunning," Chris said coldly, "Can I talk to you a moment, _sis_?" Chris walked over to Roger, "Would you cut it out? I should be touching her na-nas right now. All you had to do was sit there and be ugly!"

"I am not ugly!" Roger gasped.

"Chris!" Kim glared.

"That's- that's not what I said," Chris said nervously, "Tell- tell her, Izzy." He lowered his voice again, "Or maybe you don't want to stay in this room anymore."

"Kimmy, he wanted to lock me in the attic like I'm some kind of disgusting monster!" Roger cried.

"Well, you are!" Chris yelled.

"Shut up!" Roger yelled back, pushing Chris.

"You shut up!" Chris yelled back. The two got into a hand-slap fight.

"I never want to see you again, Chris!" Kim shouted, stomping out of the room and slamming the door.

"Roger, I thought we had a deal," Chris said.

"Rouge can make a fella do crazy things, Chris," Roger sighed, "Sorry I ruined your plan."

"Sorry I called you ugly," Chris said, walking off, "Well, I guess I'll go let the guys know I'm a loser after all.'

"Chris, wait," Roger said, taking a pink bra out of his shirt, "Kimmy loaned this to me." He tossed it to Chris.

"Roger, you are beautiful," Chris smiled.

* * *

Eddy was now fighting a woman on the stage. He punched her off and another woman grabbed his shirt from behind. Eddy punched her, too. He shoved the nurse woman off the stage and grabbed the worker's hammer before kicking her away.

"Way to go, Mr. M!" Jeff cried happily from the floor. The cop hit him over the head with a bat, sending him to the floor. She continued to beat him, "Ow! You're so hot! Ooh!"

The nurse was back on the stage and spinning two needles. She threw them and Eddy, who ducked and they hit the cop in the breasts, reducing their size.

"I remember now," The cop said, "I was going to be a civil engineer." She walked off.

Eddy spun around the pole, kicking the nurse off the stage. The maid held up a feather duster.

"Ha-ha!" Eddy laughed, "Whatcha gonna do? Tickle me to death?" The maid threw the duster into the air and brought a broom under Eddy's feet, knocking him to the floor. A knife appeared out of the end of the broom and the maid held it over Eddy, who pulled a bill out of his suit and threw it to the side. The maid gasped and jumped to get it, but when she did, Eddy hit her with a vacumn. He threw the vacumn and looked up at the stage to see Izzy hiding behind the curtains.

"You're coming home right now!" Eddy said.

"I don't have to listen to you!" Izzy yelled. She hid behind the curtains.

"Stop!" Bella cried, standing in the doorway, "Just stop right there." She walked over to Eddy, "We've tried doing things your way, and it's only made things worse."

"But she's making so many mistakes!" Eddy cried.

"You sound just like my father," Po Beep said, "He never supported my choices."

"My dad didn't support me either," Another woman walked up, "That's why I started stripping."

"Me, too," Another woman said.

"Same here," The maid said.

"Yeah," The nurse said, "Plus my uncle touched me."

"I never meant to drive Izzy away," Eddy said, sitting down.

"Eddy, we need to listen to these girls," Bella said, "Izzy's gonna make mistakes, but they're hers to make. And, as parents, the most important thing we can do is be supportive."

"Supportive, yes," Eddy said.

* * *

Izzy was dancing on the stage again.

"Woo-yeah!" Eddy was cheering and throwing out money, "Shake it, baby! You will not break it."

"It took me nine months to make it," Bella said. She added in a whisper to Eddy, "Give me some more singles."

"You used to look like that," Eddy smiled.

"What are you guys doing?" Izzy asked, putting her top back on and kneeling down to pick up the money.

"Being supportive!" Eddy said, "Look, I've been treating you like a little girl, and, well, you're a grown woman. You made that abundantly clear halfway through that Jay-Z song."

"Oh, come back home, honey," Bella said.

"What do you say?" Eddy asked, "Give your old man a second chance?"

"I'll think about it," Izzy said. The two got up and left.

"You have some pretty terrific parents," The woman smoking from earlier said, "I guess that means you're done here, and you'll be going back home, huh?"

"Yeah," Izzy sighed, "Then again, the girls are really nice and the money's awesome. Nah, I think I'll stay." She turned to the DJ, "Hit it, Ron!" Loud music began to play and Izzy was back on the pole. She flipped upside-down, making her wig fall off. She gasped and covered her head, mostly her cat ears. The record scratched and everyone gasped.

"Oh, man, that's gross!" One guy said.

"Yeah, that's the one place you _want_ them to have hair," Another said.

"Are those ears real?" Another man asked.

"What a freak!" His friend cried. The men booed as Izzy put her wig back on and ran off the stage.

Back at the house.

* * *

Eddy, Chris, Bella, and Roger were playing Scrabble in the living room.

"Ooh, I got a good one!" Roger said, putting letters on the board.

"'Quivix'?" Chris asked, "That's not a word!"

"It is on my planet," Roger snapped.

"Is it a proper noun?" Bella asked. Roger stared at her for a second.

"Damn," He said, putting the letters back.

"I'm going out with Jeff," Izzy said, walking in from the other room.

""Hey, be home by 11:00," Eddy said.

"Dad!" Izzy glared.

"Ok, just be safe," Eddy softened.

"Thanks, Daddy," Izzy smiled and left. Eddy got on his phone.

"You got visual?" He asked, "Ok, now stay three car lengths behind her and check in with me every half-hour." Outside, Jeff's van pulled away, being followed by a large white van, " _Yes, I know she's got a great ass! Stay on it!"_ A helicopter flew over Jeff's van and put a light on it.


End file.
